eight years ago...

Eight years ago this weekend, Mark and I were in Guatemala finalizing Grace's adoption.  This precious little girl rocked our world and enriches our lives every day.  It's hard to imagine our family without her.

Grace has recently started to come up to Mark and I and give us hugs.  This might seem like a minor thing for most children, but when she comes over to give me a hug with a big squeeze, I have to hold back the tears.  My heart couldn't hold any more love for Grace than it does.

But that doesn't mean there aren't still days that I wonder what it would be like to have a typical 8 year old girl.  That I don't long to have conversations with my daughter.  That I don't want to hear her voice.  That I don't start crying when she does because I just don't know why she's crying.  I feel so helpless that I can't help her because she doesn't have the ability to let us know what has upset her. 

Sometimes, I long for my boys to have a typical relationship with their sister.  I wish my parents had a typical granddaughter, Grace is the only girl on my side of the family.  Sometimes, selfishly, I wish it wasn't so much work to have a daughter like Grace.  That it didn't stress me out and stretch me beyond my patience.  That I was able to spontaneously go places and do things with all three of my children.  But as I told my friend recently, I can be spontaneous with enough notice.

My wishing and longing are hard feelings to have.  I have done a lot of reading on grief and I know that I will likely grieve in small (and big) ways for the rest of my life with Grace.  Some days I am more okay with that than others.  But through all these feelings, I'm so thankful that God placed Grace in our lives and allows me to be her mom.  I get to glimpse a little bit of heaven every time Grace looks me in the eye and smiles.

Happy Family Day Grace!  We love you more than you will ever know...