Sunday, January 30, 2011

sometimes at night

Sometimes at night when the house is dark and quiet.  When the boys are sleeping.  When Mark is at work.  I go into Grace's room.  She is not quiet, nor is she asleep.  She is usually screaming or screeching or singing or banging her feet in her crib or standing up to slap the polka dots on her wall that her dad and I lovingly painted, or something else that creates quite a racket.

So I creep into her room and gently let my presence be known.  I say her name quietly, since she doesn't notice me enter without my voice calling to her.  I go to her crib and, in the dark, try to determine where she is and just what she is doing.  She usually quiets down as I put the crib rail down and fix her pillow and blankets.  This is her signal that I am going to pick her up and get her out of bed.

Sometimes at night, she lets me hold her in my arms.  Some nights, the constant flapping of her arms ceases and the insescent mouth noises end.  Some nights, she allows me to hold her in my arms and she seeks comfort from my warmth.  I cuddle her body, warm and snuggly from bed and in her soft pjs, to my body.  Sometimes, she lets me hold her with our faces pressed against each other and her little arms around my neck, squeezing ever so gently.   Sometimes, she lets me hold her with her back to my front and my face on her hair.

When she is finally still, when her damaged brain has finally let go and allowed her body to rest, it brings tears to my eyes.

Sometimes, the tears from the strain of a long day remain unshed.  Sometimes, the love in my heart and the disappointment in my head collide and the tears spill over onto her hair.  Tears of pain that rarely see the light of day or last very long.

But usually at night, when she lets me hold her and comfort her, the tears spilling onto her hair are an overflowing my love and joy.  Tears of a love so strong it can't be described or contained in mere words on a page.  Tears of thankfulness that we have been given this incredible little girl to take care of and love while here on earth.

Always at night, I thank God for grace.  My daughter Grace and His grace, His unmerited blessing and favor given as a gift to all of us.


Gardenia said...

isn't it so that sadness and joy often go together. Bless you.

Cheryl (n Buffalo) said...

That was so amazingly said Anne. I so totally understand. Take care,

Sarah said...

Anne... you are an amazing blessing to your family and your amazing Grace. God Bless You.

noreen said...

Anne, God chose wisely when he chose you to be Grace's mom!

Hannah said...

I loved this post. It is just so full of love. It brought tears to my eyes, such a beautiful gift you have been given.

Nonnie said...

That is one of the most beautiful posts I have ever read - straight from the heart - bless you both.