i am a runner

I am a runner.  I have not always run but I think of myself as a runner nonetheless.  It all started in my twenties.  Well, my athletic days started in childhood.  I am the 'athlete' of the family.  I am the one who not only participated in sports in High School and College, but excelled in sports.  However, after college I started working and didn't have as many opportunities to be athletic.  Then the stress of trying to prove myself at work and a bad break up with my boyfriend led me to hit the pavement.

What started out as a way to burn off energy quickly became very therapeutic.  I continued to run through out my twenties and early thirties.  I loved it.  I may or may not have become slightly obsessed with running and at one point would run an hour a day.  Every day.  I was also running races most weekends.  I ran 5Ks, 10Ks and the occasional half marathon.  I even competed in triathlons but didn't excel at those because the bike was my weakest leg.

All of the sudden, I stopped.  I got a small injury and I wasn't recovering from it.  I was told to rest it and that's what I did.  I tried picking up running again here and there.  But it was never the same.  I was busy being a newly wed.  Busy trying to start our family.  Then busy raising our growing family.  It was just not something I made a point to fit into my life.  I think secretly, I didn't want to run again because running had become such a demanding mistress to me.  Such an idol.  Such an obsession.  That I was I afraid I didn't have the discipline to put running in the right perspective in my life.

I changed all that this summer.  After years of running a few times a month but never consistently, I made time for running again.  I made time for me again.  Although, I would have answered that I was a runner all along if you asked me, this summer I became a runner again.

I went back to an old love and found a way to make a place in my life for it.  And I didn't realize how much I missed running until I started running again.  I do not run to music.  My friends kid me about this but I just can't do it.  Unless I'm running on a treadmill and then I have to run to music.  I hate running on treadmills.

I forgot how much I needed the time to let my mind wander.  When I run I let my heart have it's way with my thoughts. 

Sometimes I tackle big topics, like are we going to adopt again.  The answer is no we are not.  Well, maybe not right now.  It seems like a crazy idea at my age.  But I can't stop thinking about orphans. 

Sometimes I tackle the mundane, like my daily to do list.  Laundry. Grocery Store.  Library.  Make Dinner.  Call mom.  Write blog post.

Sometimes I pray.  For my family.  For my children.  For people whose houses I am running past.  For myself.  For forgiveness.  For answers to questions about the future that plague me.

Sometimes I try and resolve issues in my life.  What color should I paint the playroom (answer; tan with brown trim).  What can we do about xyz behavior in this child. 

Sometimes I focus on how much it hurts.  Usually this doesn't last long.

Running is so different in this phase of my life.  I am no longer running to be skinny.  I am not running to fit into a dress.  Or to fit into a clothing size.  Now I'm running for me.  I'm running to clear my head.  I'm running to be healthy and if I loose weight or my clothes fit better it is an added bonus.  I'm running to be stronger. 

My goal is to run 3-4 times a week for 30-45 minutes.  I have never run for distance, I use time as my yardstick.  I don't always hit this goal but at this point in my life I give myself the grace I need and move on.  I notice it when I don't run.  I feel different.  I don't sleep as well.  I feel a little off.  Like something is missing.  Until I lace up my sneaks again and then it all becomes clear. 

I am a runner.